It was a year ago that my wife died.  Passed on, passed away or departed, some would say, but there really is no pleasant way to say it.  And though I’ve tried not to become emotional about dates on a calendar, anyone and everyone who’s lost someone they love knows how it feels when that “first” birthday, anniversary or Hallmark holiday rolls around.  The memories and grief can be heartbreaking, and it’s hard for your friends and family to know what to do or say.

While grief is an emotion we must all learn to live with, it is also a very personal one, and we must each deal with it in our own way.  Some lean on their family, their friends or their church while others turn to counselors, books or music.  There really is no “how to” manual, but I’ve found it healthy to both look back and look forward, and it’s been comforting to look at lessons from my late wife for inspiration and encouragement.

Mary Jo Hoffman was a remarkable person who was admired for her talent and beauty, but beloved for her faith and kindness.  She “lived as an angel among us,” yet for far too brief a time, leaving two precious children at the young age of 44.  As her husband, she “made me want to be a better man,” and she had a similar, motivating influence on those around her … to be a better friend, a better mother, a better person.  Though supremely talented and accomplished, she considered her role as a mother to be her highest calling, and far more important than work she’d previously done for CEOs, ambassadors and senators.  When she saw a need she met it, and without consideration for credit or compliments. Even a tough battle with cancer never shook her faith in God or her character, nor did the battle serve to build character, as some would say … it only revealed it. At the end, she met God with a ready heart, knowing this is not really the end, and without regret of things said or done.

Looking forward, I’m hopeful this next year will be one of new beginnings.  That even as we cherish Mary Jo’s memory, my kids and I will begin anew, keep moving forward and live life to the fullest.  From time to time, I know we’ll continue to struggle with grief, and I’m told it’s healthy to visit it from time to time.  We just can’t live there.  We’ve found out in a hard way that life is short and every moment is to be cherished.  That we may have goals and dreams, but “life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”  And oddly enough, I often look to our last year with Mary Jo even while planning for the future, and remember the last movie our little family saw together before Mary Jo passed.  We’d decided to enjoy an afternoon matinee at the Promenade, and the kids were eager to enjoy popcorn and blue raspberry ICEEs, and the new Pixar movie “UP.”  It turned out “UP” was about a widower (“Carl”) who goes on a grand adventure even as he struggles with regret and longing.  “Carl” often looks through a scrapbook of memories of his beloved wife.  And I remember Mary Jo wept through parts of that movie, perhaps with some sadness for her own condition, but I’m sure it was mostly the emotion of her heart’s desire for her family.  Later, before she passed, she gave me a gentle reminder of what Carl’s wife had written to him in that scrapbook:  “Thanks for a great adventure .. .now go make some new ones.”  And I promised her that I would try.

Reading back through what I’ve written, it strikes me that perhaps I selfishly wrote it for or to myself.  I don’t know, but like any writer, I hope in some way it may encourage you, the reader.  Maybe you’ll make some adventures of your own.  I think Mary Jo would like that.

A Sioux City resident, Brent Hoffman is a former city councilman and is the owner of Hoffman & Associates.  A widower, he is the father of two children,Silas, 9, and Lydia, 7.

Post by Brent Hoffman, Sioux City Journal, July 18, 2010. Sioux City Journal.com

This entry was posted on Monday, July 19th, 2010 at 8:07 am and is filed under State of the Heart. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.