Things That Help and Things That Hurt


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When you visit the bereaved at the funeral home and after the funeral

Visiting the bereaved at the funeral home is often perceived as something we really do not feel good about. The primary reason for this is that we are fearful of saying or doing the wrong things. We do not wish to add to the burdens of the bereaved; we wish to comfort them but we don’t always know how. Were afraid of making a mistake and sometimes we may do that without even realizing it. People really need a great deal of support before and after the funeral. Grief does not end after the funeral, after six months, even after a year. Be the friend that you would want there for you if your roles were reversed. The following, helpful hints have been gleaned from a wide variety of sources over the years. This is by no means an all inclusive list. Indeed you may have some of your own that work very well for you. If that is the case, please share them with us so that we can pass them along to others.

Things that help

At the funeral home:

  • I’ll always remember…(recounting memories of the loved one are very special and always use the name of the person who has died.)
  • I’ll stop by (give specific date and time) if that’s convenient for you.
  • She (he) was a friend. I’ll miss her (him) too.
  • I feel for you during this difficult time.
  • This must be very hard for you.
  • I share your feelings of loss.
  • I wish I could make the hurt go away.
  • I’m so sorry. I know he (she) was so special to you. I’ll miss him (her) too.
  • I want to help you. I’m available anytime you need me. I’ll call you next week to see what I can do to help.
  • I’ve been praying for you. Is there anything specific I should be praying for?

If a baby or a child has died:

  • I know how much being a mother (father) means to you.
  • I’m sure (name) will always have a very special place in your heart.
  • He (she) was such a delightful child.
  • I’m sure you had many hopes and dreams for (name’s) future.

After the death of someone terminally ill:

  • Even though (name) needed a lot of your time, I know you will miss him (her) very much.

Death of a spouse:

  • The two of you shared a lot and now I know you’ll miss her (him).
  • You made her (his) life so happy. You have so much to be proud of.
  • I know that memories are a poor substitute for having (name) with you but I hope that they will give you some comfort…(and then share a memory of your own).

After the funeral:

  • Stay in contact with the bereaved with visits, phone calls and cards.
  • Be present especially on birthdays, wedding anniversaries, holidays, anniversary months after the death and the one year anniversary.
  • Offer to take the person out shopping, to dinner. Include that person in gatherings of friends if they were a part of your group.
  • Be aggressive with your willingness to help. Offer specific things you can do for them, like:
    • I’m on my way to the store. What can I pick up for you?
    • Would tomorrow be a good day to stop by and give you a hand with (household task)?
    • Would the children like to come over and play this afternoon?
  • When visiting with the bereaved person, allow that person to do most of the talking. Be a good listener. Allow that person to tell the same stories and share the same memories over and over again. They often need to do this to help them through the grieving process.
  • Let the bereaved cry. And its OK for you to cry too. Crying is a very necessary and helpful emotional release.
  • Allow the bereaved all the time they need to deal effectively with all phases of their grief.

Things that hurt

At the funeral home don’t say:

  • It was God’s will.
  • God loved your baby so much He took her (him) to heaven to be one of His angels.
  • God needs her (him) more than you do.
  • He (she) is happy now for he (she) is with God.
  • You have other children. Or you can always have another baby.
  • Be strong. You’re the man of the house now. Your mother needs you.
  • I could never handle this as well as you.
  • I know just how you feel. Why when (goes on and on and on to recount their problems).
  • You just need a little more time.
  • It could be worse.
  • It was for the best.
  • You are so lucky to have the memories. (Memories can’t replace a loved one!)
  • You knew he (she) was dying, so it shouldn’t hurt so much.
  • Don’t talk about it (death). You make others uncomfortable.
  • You’re young and you will be able to make a new life for yourself. Life goes on.